cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
