we're chasing vodka with high fives
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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