Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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