My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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