Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He better not be in your backpack
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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