yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
