I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
