Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
