Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me