she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Please, let me fuck your mom
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
