NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
