Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
