I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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