Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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