i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
