Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
