If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
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I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
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That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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