i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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