I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
