i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
