I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
