At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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