she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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