you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
