So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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