dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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