I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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