Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
