I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
