Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
