She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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