Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Randomize
