Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
