If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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