The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We talked him into tasing himself.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
