my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
