I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
