are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
