We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
