I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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