"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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