I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
