i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
How's work?
Spinning.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
