Michael Bay diarrhea
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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