I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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