I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
