We're facebook friends in real life
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
