i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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