there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
