girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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