walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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