my vag is so smooth its legendary
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
