I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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