I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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