i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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