Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
